Twenty-Seven Tips for Better Living

Yeah man, see, that's the thing about traveling right after heart-wrenching-stomach-dropping goodbyes, too much time to think when you least expect-most need it.
Existential angst doesn't sit well with honey roasted nuts and crying babies, plus the stewardess looks at you funny
when you ask for horse tranquilizers with your complimentary Sprite, but you shouldn't be having that stuff when you're in this state anyways (the state of travel I mean), that stuff screws with your homeostasis, or so I read/heard/thought. I mean, cheap $9 airplane Chardonnay; fine. But with Sprite, the carbonation sends that corn syrup straight to your brain and you start thinking too fast, and you realize how the geological time scale weighs on your every move and crunches your whispered hopes of immortality
like a carpenter ant under a paper towel under your thumb.
And then you get depressed. I mean real bad man, real bad. Not like "oh shit, I suddenly see the crossroads I've just passed and recognize all at once my impotence in the face of regrets and sudden death" depressed. I mean real bad. I mean "third drivers test failure in as many weeks, spilled punch on your new dress at homecoming, C- in Algebra II" depressed, "LA Clippers fan for life" depressed, "the CD playing in the restaurant stuck on repeat and you're the only person who seems to notice the 79 solid minutes of a purely instrumental rendition of "Can't Take My Eyes Off of You" depressed.
No, you don't want that kind of depressed, but don't worry, just follow these simple instructions:
First and foremost, don't drink the Sprite. Don't drink the water, filter the water, then drink the water (it doesn't matter whether or not you know what you're filtering out, just do it), take deep breaths, chew with your mouth closed, don't mix alcohol with
horse tranquilizers, have another Chardonnay, pretend to care about the vintage, but be nice to the stewardess, she's had a long day, call your mother, don't litter, make cute faces at the babies even though they are crying so much it makes you almost like the Clippers, don't overdo it, stop making that face, don't talk to strangers, fight the power, but pay your bills on time, sit still while we're talking to you, wear your seatbelt, wear sunscreen, don't wear flipflops, they're unbecoming, smile in the face of adversity, don't put your elbows on the table, sing in the shower, take the blue pill (but make sure it isn't a horse tranquilizer first, you've had a lot of Chardonnay you know), laugh at yourself, laugh at everything.*


*Should you find yourself in a tough spot in which these instructions are not at the moment readily accessible, please disregard the first 25 instructions.